Monday, 28 January 2008!
HandWritten on; 22:45
This joke is quite old...don't know if some have seen this before. It's a really long read, but pretty entertaining...so here goes --
Time for English class...
Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English
for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can
work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither fromGuinea
nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One
index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not
one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one
of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English
speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what
language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck
and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you
fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going
on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible.
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that is'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting,
why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP
and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary
to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house
and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real
special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think
UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped
UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the
dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page
and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP
is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind
UP with a
hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so........... it is time to shut UP.....!
Oh . . one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at
night? U-P (Umm geddit? lol.)
